You bloated oaf, gorging on galaxies of glut. Go away. You and your UML, your pathetic paradigm. “Object-oriented!” you cry, diverted from the devastation of your application. Failing to find the chink in the armor, the aroma of smoke unsettles your strategy. “Scalability! We’ll scale the scales!” Disillusioned with lubrication by refactoring, factories, actors, event driven development. Drizzles of gristle. Is programming still fun? Functional, formulae conjunctional, cool, casual, actual work done. For fear not the lambda, the greek grapheme of ephemeral memorable purpose. Pose the function as transformer, reformer of data from input to output to input to output to input. Slews of loops, looping the function again. Again. Again. Break! How can you construct a deductive mechanism for deducing data from consumable samples, if not in Lisp? Or if not that, in OCaml? Oh come on, there’s loads of lovely ladies carrying coy caricatures of lisps, little lilting voices, smut for the C-smitten. Crackers to your brackets, but barely a soul seeks murky, mechanical LISP. Lots of irritating superfluous parentheses? No. “ML.” A moan, a mouthful of semantically laden syllabic syntax. The rub: Ruby, used usually in the uncool procedural sense, incidentally features the little fucker. Lambda, you dog! Ruby dooby do! Python’s on the list, Lua not excused, it’s there too. Odds are, philistine, your tool of choice has lambda in its toolkit, so zarking use it. If you suddenly saw the earth beneath your eyes realizing you could fly, would you reduce yourself to the banality of walking? Wake up. Procedural programming is impoverished. Appreciate artificial intelligence, barely a leap for lisp gents, or more generally, lisperati. Objects are unnecessary. Data defined by fiat, ha! Data’s declared by necessity, flowing from the form of the transformation: Integral to a collection of cows coldly calculating calculus to reality. Really. If the function makes steak, grant not anything but boves. There’s your objective. Objects are trash, nasty, thrashing not solving but revolving on nonproblems of encapsulation. Try algebraic data types on for size. As a small consolation, consult the folks who gave the gravy, namely garbage collection; remember, Lisp invented it. If not for Lisp, then conditionals wouldn’t be. B being C’s predecessor, son of BCPL, son of CPL, son of ALGOL, son of FORTRAN, son of assembly. That’s a long line and a lot of time to wait for the second coming of the lambda calculus, Church’s research not crucified but sadly set aside. Sigh, sheer boredom with annoying von Neumann machines must have been McCarthy miraculous leap to Lisp. The future is functional, finally. And it’s stuck in 1960 where real work, not XML, was done. The past is Prolog; the rest formatting, an exercise for the writer.
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